you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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