How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
