Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
