Four minutes until I can fart!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
