Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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