If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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