I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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