I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
