im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
