watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
