Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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