it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
