he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
