I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
