Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
