I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We got so high we made milksteak
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
