U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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