Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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