i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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