I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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