I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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