I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
