I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
