Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
