Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
