Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
