If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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