allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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