Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
