The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
