I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
