No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
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blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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