where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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