Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
