I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
