She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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