He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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