just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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