I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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