someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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