Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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