Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
