I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
