Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
