i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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