Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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