Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
