today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
