Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
