FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
