Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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