Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
