Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
