talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
