he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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