why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
